15 Jokes For The Hall Of Fame 9/1/22

15

Myq Kaplan

“Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.”

14

Esther Povitsky

“I look like a good babysitter because I look nice, but I’m not quite hot enough to ruin a marriage”

13

Bo Burnham

“Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.”

12

Milton Jones

“My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open. Which is probably why his submarine sank.”

11

Gary Gulman

10

Rodney Dangerfield

“One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey buddy…why are you doing that for?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’”

9

Emo Philips

“I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.”

8

Gary Delaney

“I’ve just bought Spider-Man pajamas. I hope he likes them.”

7

Ms. Pat

6

Ron White

“My wife told me when we first met that she was anal. Turns out there are two types of anal and she’s the wrong kind.”

5

Nikki Glaser

“There’s just so much more I wanna do before I have kids. Like die.”

4

Ron Funches

“It’s been a great year for me. I’ve accomplished a lot of personal goals. I completed my marriage so that’s wonderful.”

3

Martha Kelly

2

Jim Gaffigan

“I don’t know why anyone would want to stay anywhere but the Intensive Care Unit.”

1

Steven Wright

“When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.”

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Top Image: Comedy Central