20 Nick Kroll Quotes To Get You Through The Day

20

A Typical European Lunch

“Lunch is usually something cool like cigarette, two-three bottle of red wine and then like a bowl of heavy cream.”

- A European: Kroll Show

19

Steel Magnolias

“This right here, this is the actual set from the 2005 revival of Steel Magnolias mounted right here at the Lyceum Theater. Steel Magnolias, first a play, then a movie, then again, a play. The Broadway equivalent of moving back in with your parents.”

- Gil Faizon: Oh Hello On Broadway

18

Ruxin’s Troll Face

“She looks like she belongs on a beer poster, and I look like the guy who makes you answer riddles before you cross a bridge.”

- Ruxin: The League

17

Orpah Winfrey

16

A Cuddle And A String Cheese

"We should like totally cuddle after I get a string cheese from the garage"

- Lola Skumpy: Big Mouth

15

Mom Threw Away My Gift Certificate

“I don’t know what my actual birthday is because my mom threw away my gift certificate.”

- C-Czar: Kroll Show

14

Ruxin’s Defenses

“My defenses are looking weaker than a drunk single girl in her thirties at her little sister's wedding.”

- Ruxin: The League

13

I’m Going To Do Sex On A Lady

12

Volcano Head

“In college, my nickname was volcano head because I would suck guys off and they would just erupt.”

- Big Liz: Kroll Show

11

A Date With Intercourse

10

My Oral Office

“I’m gonna turn my mayoral office into my ‘oral’ office. Boom! Thought of it a second ago, had to pop back in.”

- The Douche: Parks & Recreation

9

The Crab Cab Game Show

8

Big Liz Gets Personal With Pretty Liz

“I’m trying to imagine the different guys who have probably [explicit] on your stomach that you would then scoop that [explicit] into your vagina, like using a piece of paper.”

- Big Liz: Kroll Show

7

Rudy Giuliani

“But Rudy Giuliani, he truly was the hero of 9-11 because no one else was mayor that day.”

- Gil Faizon: Oh Hello On Broadway

6

A Squid In My Exit

“I went to Nurse Teacher and put a squid in my exit, so I’m good to go.”

- Bryan LaCroix: Kroll Show

5

A Test Message

“OK shut up. I just got a test message.”

- Bobby Bottleservice: Kroll Show

4

Mall Of America After A Snowstorm

“Gina's gotten plenty of satisfaction. Have you seen Adrian Peterson? That dude is plowing her like the Mall of America parking lot after a snowstorm.”

3

They’re In Aisle Me

"I used my classic pickup line, ‘If you’re looking for douches they’re in aisle me.'”

- The Douche: Parks & Recreation

2

Poop At Home

“We hate camp. It stinks like trees. And the boy only likes to poop at home.”

- Maury The Hormone Monster: Big Mouth

1

Gil Get’s Mercury Poisoning

Doctor: “You’ve been eating three meals of tuna fish a day?”

Gil: “You gotta eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner, don’t you?”

- Gil Faizon: Kroll Show

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Top Image: FX