15 More Jokes For The Hall Of Fame

15

Jerry Seinfeld

“Have you ever had milk the day after the date? Scares the hell out of you, doesn’t it? The spoon is trembling as it comes out of the bowl. ‘It’s after the day! I’m taking a big chance! I smelled it, you smelled it, what is it supposed to smell like? It smelled like milk to me.’ I don’t know how they’re so definite, though. Maybe the cows tip them off when they’re milking them. ‘July 3rd.’”

14

Don Rickles

“When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don’t mind, but he has it in his back pocket.” — Rickles on Frank Sinatra.

13

Peter Cook

“I am blind -- but I am able to read thanks to a wonderful new system known as 'broil' . . . I'm sorry, I'll just feel that again.”

12

Lee Mack

“I remember the last thing my Nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’”

11

Maria Bamford

I'm not looking for much [in a guy], I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

10

David Cross

“I have a few business ideas that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places, and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.”

9

Doug Benson

“Like most comics, I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying… under another man.”

8

Dov Davidoff

“You know you’re too high when you’re eating cereal naked and your girlfriend is like “Put some clothes on” and you realize that it’s not your girlfriend. It’s just a woman on the bus.”

7

Sebastian Maniscalco

6

Peter Sellers

“I have the body of an eighteen-year-old. I keep it in the fridge.”

5

Jim Carrey

“I just want to be killer funny. You know kick ass piss in your pants run out of the theatre and rip your d*ck off and throw yourself into traffic funny!”

4

Jon Dore

“I started smoking in high school. I never thought I’d get hooked. I always thought by the time I graduate, that’s it. No more smoking. But now I’m 33. There’s no way I’m ever going to graduate.”

3

Steven Wright

"Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I have the energy to make real coffee."

2

Jim Jeffries

“If you don’t drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home…”

1

Ms. Pat

Ms. Pat on her experience meeting President Jimmy Carter while she was working (and stealing) from McDonald's.

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