Holding up a box, Laraine explains all the ways placenta can become a robust meal, from Placenta Romanoff to Placenta Oriental.
Cut to Gilda and her hungry husband John Belushi, who’s enjoying every bite. “Let’s have Placenta Helper every night!”
“Oh, honey!”
SNL runner-up: JB Smoove told Howard Stern about a number of his rejected pitches, including a criminal so evil that he wears patches over both eyes. He pitched another that host Tom Brady loved about the first NFL quarterback to ever pat his teammates on the butt. “Can you imagine a guy in the '50s slapping another man on the ass?”
Mr. Show: Famous P***ies
In their book Hollywood Said No!, Bob Odenkirk and David Cross included scripts for sketches that didn’t make it into Mr. Show.
Our favorite is Famous P***ies, cowritten by Odenkirk and cast member Brian Posehn. The sketch would have taken the form of a scratchy newsreel, showcasing cowards throughout history. An announcer sets the stage, revealing that Roosevelt’s “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” was actually stolen from a quivering Herbert Hoover:
“The only thing we have is fear. Fear itself is the only thing we have. And you can take that to the bank!”
Other presidents fared no better. The supposedly brave John F. Kennedy’s initial response to the Cuban missile crisis?
(heavy Kennedy accent) Aahhh… oh s***… aaaahhhh… I’m scared. My brother’s scared. My entire family’s scared. My wife. My girlfriend, we’re all scared. And you should be, too. Arr, uh, I’m going to ask each and every American to stay home until I can get as far away as I can. Then you can, uhh, run, too. Don’t panic. Wait until I am safe, and then it’s every man for himself. (He s***s himself.) Oh no. I sharted.