JD Roberson
Continue Reading Below
The fact that Ron wasn’t morbidly obese by the end of this show is massively impressive. Where is the scientific study of Ron Swanson's metabolic rate?
Ron Swanson is more than just a man's man, he's America's man. Every great sitcom should have a character that is all knowing and there to guide us when we feel lost, like Ron on Parks and Rec. Here are 15 pearls of wisdom from the mustache king to help you along your journey, traveler.
15On Lying
15
On Lying
NBC
“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”
Continue Reading Below
Would oat milk pass a lie detector test? Almond Milk? Hemp seed milk? This grocery store is full of liars.
14On Keeping Co-Workers In Check
14
On Keeping Co-Workers In Check
NBC
“When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”
I do this all the time except with people I’ve met at parties 4 times previous.
13On Canvas
13
On Canvas
NBC
Continue Reading Below
“That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.”
This is why I always bring a 12ftx12ft canvas sheet with me everywhere I go.
12On Luck
12
On Luck
“I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”
Continue Reading Below
This is definitely hanging up in a gym teachers office somewhere.
11On Crying
11
On Crying
NBC
“Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”
This just in: double crying allowed if funeral is located at The Grand Canyon. Triple if that's where they died.
10On American Rights
10
On American Rights
“The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.”
Continue Reading Below
9On Bowling
9
On Bowling
NBC
“Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.”
Brian Boitano has been known to hook his bowling shots. (Brian Boitano is a figure skater)
8On Commitment
8
On Commitment
“Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”
Continue Reading Below
This is great advice for life, and whoopie cushions.
7On The Government
7
On The Government
NBC
“The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.”
Continue Reading Below
I just finished my taxes and boy are my nipples tired.
6On Fishing
6
On Fishing
NBC
Continue Reading Below
“Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”
The correct response to anyone trying to serve you fish wrapped in wax paper with lemon. Right to jail.
5On Burning Your Ex-Wife Effigy
5
On Burning Your Ex-Wife Effigy
“The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”
Continue Reading Below
I used to have another layer of skin before I tried to burn my last ex wife effigy.
Continue Reading Below
Easy for Ron to say when he knows how many pounds of gold he has buried on his property.
3On History
3
On History
“History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”
Continue Reading Below
I think Ron Swanson and Jack Donaghy should have a beer.
1On Teaching A Man To Fish
1
On Teaching A Man To Fish
I’d love to get this response from all the people I've asked to give me a fish.
“Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.”
For exclusive ComedyNerd content and more, subscribe to our spiffy newsletter:
[newsletter]
Top Image: NBC
