Not all jokes are winners, we know that better than most - but there are some that reach the rarefied air of immortality. These are the Highlanders of jokes, and there can be more than one.
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Seth Myers on drinking.
This cutting sarcasm is what Weekend Update is all about.
“New studies show that heavy drinkers experience damage to the part of their brain that processes emotion, which, if I’m not mistaken, is the point.”
Jost: “The bat used by Babe Ruth to hit his 500th home-run was auctioned off this week. Also, I’ll be auctioning off the bat I use to keep my neighborhood white.”
Clearly the first time he saw this joke (and reading it out loud on live TV), he couldn't help but just shake his head.
Norm Loved going after the Clintons, and that well stayed full until the day he died.
“At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out against same sex marriages. What's more, the president said he is not too crazy about opposite sex marriages either.”
2001 was a great year for Michael Jackson jokes and people who love the movie “Shallow Hal.”
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“Michael Jackson arrived in London this week on crutches after breaking his foot in a quote ‘common household accident’ in his Neverland Ranch. It could have happened to anyone, Jackson told a reporter. ‘See my llama and I were chasing Liz Taylor around the Elephant Man's bones and I tripped on my cape.”
Tina Fey’s seat on Update and Bush’s presidency coinciding is one of the top 10 anime crossovers of all time.
“The Pentagon announced yesterday that US and British planes had struck Iraqi air defense sites south of Baghdad. Defense officials say the President wanted to send a clear message to the Iraqi government that he knows exactly where Iraq is.”
This joke definitely did big numbers at the office water coolers the following Monday.
“The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter.”
Here's one that you can share with your uncle who loves to talk about snowflakes and the Liberal army.
“Who are safer drivers, men or women? Well according to a new survey, 55 percent of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender benders, while 78 blame men for most fatal crashes. please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100 percent because the math was done by a woman.
For those of you hissing at that joke it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman, so now you don't know what the hell to do, do ya? I’m just kidding, we don’t hire women.”
The silliness of this joke gives us pleasure which knows no bounds.
"NJ Governor Chris Christie on Tuesday was sworn into his second term. However, the massive blizzard forced the cancellation of his inauguration reception. Odd, since a Chris Christie party usually starts with a massive Blizzard.
“A perfect joke for the news format” - Shakira’s Hips.
“It was reported that while on a trip to South Africa, singer Shakira was attacked by a sea lion after she got too close to it. And the story has to be true because the story was reported by Shakira’s hips.”
A perfect example of a Seth joke. Simple, with an elegant dismount. 10/10.
It was reported that police were called 3 times to respond to complaints about a recent party thrown by Just Bieber. Each complaint was the same; “No one came to my party.”
In a response to Eddie Murphy’s backlash to a Hollywood minute joke, Spade stopped doing the segment. However, a smaller, wooden version of himself, carried on the responsibility.
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Spade (with little puppet voice): “Bobby Brown recently spent five days in jail. Two for drunk driving and three for his new album."