Well except that Bill Gates implied he’d vote for Donald Trump if even Elizabeth Warren’s extremely modest tax hike even had a remote chance of passing. (Which of course it never would, since Warren herself took a $14,600,000 “donation” from a single individual, the kind of person who has fifteen million just lying around to donate to a political campaign.) In fact, a lot of these articles mention Warren’s wealth tax, and Bernie Sanders’ tax plan for the ultra-rich is even higher. So at the end of the day, given the choice between a single-digit percentage increase in taxes and pushing the country in the general direction of fascism, even the most wholesome epic cuddly big chungus billionaires will get measured for black military uniforms.
I’m sure there’s at least one billionaire who really, truly believes that they should pay more. But to me that’s like saying that, while it is true that the invading Vargaxions can only reproduce by inserting their larvae into the thoracic cavity of a still-living human host, some of them feel really, really bad about doing it.
And if all of this doesn’t convince you that the billionaire class has been using the undue influence they wield to slowly erode the tax code (or that you think it’s somehow just), well, let me just tell you now that every car that passes you on taxpayer-funded public roads is laughing at the Don’t Tread on Me bumper sticker on the back of your PT Cruiser. Let me prove my point by utilizing the most powerful tool in a comedy writer’s arsenal: an extremely dry chart about historical tax rates!
Weird how the 50s, a decade renowned for skyrocketing the standard of living for the average American, also had the highest tax rate. Probably a coincidence!
Wait, crap, that’s not funny! Hold on, don’t leave! What if, uh...what if Guy Fieri was holding it? Is it funny now? NO WAIT what if Guy Fieri is holding it and doesn’t realize he’s about to be clownmurdered?