5 Deeply Cursed Attempts To Cash In On Coronavirus on Amazon

Why, it's everyone's favorite force sensitive marketing product, Baby Yoda! The creator of this shirt was inspired by Googling "popular characters," "odds of copyright lawsuit" and "masturbate with 100 dollar bills ease emotional guilt?" Which takes us to...

Zuizay/Amazon

Yes, nothing makes people horny like a pandemic, although this shirt actually serves as a screening process in its own right. Any sexual partner willing to wear or respond to it would accidentally punch you in the throat while trying to take your jacket off, then ask "Are you good?" after they achieved orgasm by fiddling with your belt buckle. But hey, at least you might get a couple grim chuckles from the bar's most dedicated alcoholics before you learn that all your public activity led to the infection of your grandparents.

Now whenever anyone asks "Can eating garlic help prevent infection with the new coronavirus?" you can just tap the sign. But remember to consult your sign on how to wear a mask during these interactions.

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We hope that clears things up.

Never Underestimate A NEGLECTFUL FATHER Who DRINKS CRANBERRY JUICE, Was Born During A BRISK KENTUCKY SPRING, And Will HEADBUTT The CORONAVIRUS In Its UTERUS. But what if, instead of merely taking a stance, you could help control the pandemic?

Engelos Store/Amazon

Youths today with their TikToks and their Slendermens might think that "going viral" is hep, but you'll be a real-life Apex Legend when you teach them otherwise and save us all. Just remember to be aware. Be aware, goddammit!

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It may cost 23 bucks and another 16 for shipping, but how else are we going to educate mountain men who drank the accursed liquor of Henry Hudson's ghost crew and are only just now waking from their 20 year slumbers?

Fools! They've fled straight to the living room, to witness the last piece of art anyone sees before they're de-spleened.

Warm-Tone Art/Amazon

Sure, "Warm-Tone Art Corona-Virus Canvas Prints Framed Wall Art Oil Paintings for Dinning Room Bedroom Home Office Modern Wall Decor White" isn't by some famous painter, but at just 33 dollars it can only appreciate in value. Plus it's a "Perfect Presents And Gifts For Your Relatives And Friends." We just saved your anniversary, and you're welcome. That leaves the bedroom.

ChenXiaobo/Amazon

"Stop Coronavirus," you remind yourself every morning. "Stop Coronavirus," you remind yourself every night. "Stop Coronavirus," you remind yourself as you are overcome by the whimsy of your "LIVE. LOVE. CAN EATING GARLIC HELP PREVENT INFECTION WITH THE NEW CORONAVIRUS?" sign and feel the uncontrollable urge to frolic.

ChenXiaobo/Amazon

The great part is that even after the coronavirus is stopped you'll still be able to run the world's most disturbing Airbnb.

Mark is on Twitter and wrote a book.