5 'Star Wars' Actors Who Had The Goofiest Early Roles

Gross. Maybe the writers thought that after Star Wars, the combination of Billy Dee Williams and narrowly avoided incest was box office gold. The rest of the movie follows Agent 00 Soul, the daughter he almost made out with (or worse), and his idiot son on a series of loosely connected adventures that are also completely insane. At one point, he investigates a lead on a possible Russian agent, and ends up in a haunted house full of rapping and dancing mummies.

Xenon Entertainment

Xenon Entertainment

Xenon Entertainment

Later they go undercover, and "Junior" takes out a room full of armed thugs using only a noxious fart.

Xenon Entertainment

Xenon EntertainmentOK, so maybe this movie isn't all bad.

And we'd be remiss if we didn't mention that Williams spends the climax dressed like Dracula, for some reason.

Xenon EntertainmentHe failed to make it to "blood," and just stopped at "suck."

This movie didn't come out in the midst of professional doldrums. This was Williams' follow-up to Batman. He starred in the biggest movie of the year, then this fart-filled nightmare.

Of course, Mike turns out to be ... a glowing dildo with the guy's face drawn on it?!

Cinema GroupForget Fisher; now we want an origin movie for this guy.

Later, she coincidentally stumbles upon an S&M porn shoot in a neighbor's backyard.

Cinema Group

Cinema GroupClearly, someone didn't see the Special Edition.

She overhears that one of the actors is only 16, so she and some other cops surveil the house. In the end, they decide to burst into this private residence with no warrant and randomly attack literally everyone involved in the production. They even rough up the actors, whom they're supposedly protecting. One of them shoves a gun right in an unarmed woman's face.

Cinema Group

The producer tries to escape, but Fisher clubs him half to death, then calls him a "barf bag."

Cinema Group

Cinema GroupThankfully, this didn't replace "May the Force be with you" as her catchphrase.

Hamill plays a teen who ventures out of his small town and into a larger world -- not because of stolen battle station plans, but because of a stolen Corvette which he was restoring for auto class. Instead of the Millennium Falcon, he hitches a ride to Vegas from Vanessa (Annie Potts), a "prostitute in training" driving a beat-up "mobile sex van."

United Artists

United Artists

You might assume that this freewheeling '70s comedy would be chill about this, but it, um, isn't. Hamill, for instance, is super judgmental.

United ArtistsIt's also possible he's talking to himself for agreeing to do this.

He ends up finding the car, learning that it was stolen by a crime ring run by his teacher, absurdly. So he ... takes a job with them? Imagine if Luke Skywalker finally made it to the Death Star, only to fill out an application to become a stormtrooper. After earning a bit of cash, he decides to buy a night with Vanessa, his friend. She ends up giving him a "freebie."

United Artists

Hamill eventually gets the car back, quits the gang, and goes after Vanessa, whom he's fallen for. She's busy shooting porn, so he breaks into the set like a goddamn psychopath and orders her to leave. (Some strange common threads in these movies.)

United Artists

United Artists

United ArtistsNow there's the face of our longest-running Joker.

She doesn't cooperate, so he abducts her while she screams for help.

United Artists

United Artists

This paves the way for a happy, romantic ending.

United ArtistsInstead of, say, a trial for trespassing, assault, and kidnapping.

The most galling part is that the story itself isn't that bad, but the whitewashing completely undercuts its message. And this wasn't a thing that happened all the time back in the ancient 1960s; it raised eyebrows even then. The Harvard Lampoon gave the movie an award for "most flagrant example of miscasting."

George Takei, who played Guinness' butler in the film, was excited at first to be working with one of his heroes. But then he was "shocked" when Sir Alec showed up with the "grotesquely offensive" makeup. According to Takei, not only was Guinness' accent bad, but his Japanese was also "incomprehensible gibberish."

They're the offspring of rival pizza shop owners. And just because it's Canadian doesn't mean it's not crammed full of casual racism. For example, one of the employees at one pizzeria is Indian, so the boss calls him "Slumdog."

LionsgateBut people were more casual about such jokes way back in, er, 16 months ago.

Just how bitter is this pizza parlor rivalry? Christensen's dad gets his oregano spiked with marijuana. Which seems like an expensive way to exact revenge. In a scene that makes Reefer Madness seem understated, everyone who eats the pot-laced pizza starts dancing on tables as if they just snorted Pop Rocks. It also makes them super horny, for some reason. When the Indian employee tries to convince an elderly woman to come down, she hits on him and calls him "Aladdin."

Lionsgate

Lionsgate

And because he ate some pot too, he's totally into getting dry-humped by one of the Golden Girls.

Lionsgate

LionsgateAt this point, we could just start making up what happens next, because that line absolutely cleared the theater of anyone who could dispute us.

Soon the cops arrive, and one of the officers immediately begins molesting Leo in front of all his friends and family, either because she also ate the sex-pizza or she's just a terrible person.

Lionsgate

LionsgateFrom here, the plot doesn't turn into a complicated legal drama about suing the police, and we're not sure why.

In the end, Roberts and Hayden get drawn into their parents' rivalry and compete in a pizza cook-off, which is oddly happening alongside a bikini competition. Nikki heads to the airport to fly back to London, where she was visiting from. She has a major career opportunities there, having graduating from culinary school. Leo follows her to the airport, and like so many rom-com leads before him, he asks her to stay. Just to be clear, he has nothing going on in Toronto; he just works in his dad's pizza shop and is itching to get out himself. There's no reason he couldn't go with her instead of asking her to sacrifice what she's built for herself in London. Even the TSA agent implores her not to stay.

Lionsgate"If you run, I'll trip him."

Sadly, she doesn't listen.

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