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"It turns out that many of the awesomest stories had to be paved over by the bullshit you memorized in order to protect your teachers and parents from awkward conversations."
10 Cracked Posts Everyone Went Nuts Over Last Week - 11/29
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Cracked Writers
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- November 29, 2015
We looked at a lot of things differently last week. We also looked at "Fallout 4" way more than we did porn.
Luckily, all Bambina has to do is wait for the respawn.
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"Here at Cracked, we love a good easter egg. Video games get an extra leg up on other forms of entertainment because game developers make you really earn that shit."
At least the Pilgrims didn't file for bankruptcy four times and then shamelessly spin all that failure into having made good business decisions.
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There's friendship, and then there's "I dedicate this space shuttle voyage to your awesomeness" friendship.
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"Admit it: Your perception of history comes mostly from Hollywood blockbusters and skewed textbooks."
Note: when printed out and presented to your parents, this image legally counts as a permission slip from science.
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"If you're having a hard time with this whole living thing, then we're here to help."
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"Sure, he ties Luke up and delays him for a second, but that only lasts until Han Solo accidentally smashes into his jetpack with a pole and sends him tumbling into a man-eating sand vagina, screaming like a Muppet."
And Freddie would have liked it that way, my friends.
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"A key requirement for a song's catchiness is that the singer has to be male. The researchers speculate that we're tapping into some inherent psychological intuition to follow male tribal leaders into battle."
Attention shoppers! Prepare your spears and magic helmets!
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"We even turn it into a competition by arbitrarily limiting the time these 'great bargains' will be available, which is enough to turn many of you into blood-thirsty Vikings!"
We've tried telling ourselves that it's just a show, and that we should really just relax, but it's not working.
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"The news can seem like a crossover between the Saw franchise and Groundhog Day."
Even Superman can't fly away from an awkward text message.
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"Every so often, we like to take a break from writing too many words about superheroes and let some of our friends take over for a little while."
In the future, all video-game-release success will be measured by the "Pornhub Scale."
"A quick look at the news should make you thankful that you're not currently running and screaming from some disaster or another."
