Cracked Writers
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We're kind of mad we're not there right now, if we're being honest. Time to relocate the offices.
"After years of ecological neglect and disrespect, the residents of Fort Bragg are getting exactly what they deserve: a booming tourist attraction!"
He likely needed to find a place in the world without HBO, so strangers would stop kicking him in the balls.
"Most new celebs get caught up in the glitz and the glamour and the money and the drugs and then end up becoming former husks of themselves. Other people look at all that shit, promptly turn around, and casually stroll to greener pastures in the other direction."
Life on the road as a pro wrestler is, of course, strange. But there's "strange" and then there's "How in the hell are any of these people still alive?" These stories are in the latter category.
"While Perry Saturn was stuck in a hotel and being, in Perry's own words, as stupid as he was bored, he got the idea to hire strippers with fellow wrestler Raven. This idea naturally evolved into the idea of putting things into those strippers. But it's how Perry Saturn puts things into strippers that makes him uniquely deranged."
Indian spices such as curcumin really do help stave off cancer! So start gobbling that stuff down because no one's "curing cancer" any time soon.
"We always laugh at reports like 'Cure For Liver Cancer Coming Soon!' Usually what they mean is that for a very specific type of liver cancer...they found a way to help treat it."
At least it masterfully foretold this kid's life after Phantom Menace.
"It's almost Halloween, which means all your favorite paranormal pictures will be floating around the Internet nonstop. Fortunately for you we're here to help you scream "FAKE" at the right ones."
Unfortunately, Hallmark doesn't have a "Get Well Soon After I Shot You Like an Idiot" card section.
"The news: it's like a Walking Dead spinoff where they've replaced the zombies with assholes."
These two give the sisters from The Shining a run for their money.
"When they ran into a group of police officers who were being filmed for a COPS-like show for the BBC, the cameras captured every batshit insane moment that came after that -- the video that follows at times looks staged as hell, but it isn't. There's a real murder conviction to prove it."
"I was looking for any and all mention of Sesame Street or The Muppets in relation to major terrorist events. If 9/11 was indeed the work of cotton hands, it undoubtedly wouldn't be their first sing-along."
"Bert is clearly standing behind America's most notorious enemy like a whispering shoulder devil."
"..at least 14,000 male soldiers are raped every year. Now, the average male is still at far less risk of assault -- there are more total victims because there are way more men in general. But we're going to guess that's about 14,000 more male rapes per year than you'd have previously assumed."
"The epidemic of military rape is being committed by a small minority of extremely prolific predators. But only one in 20 sexual assaults reported to military authorities lead to jail time for the perpetrator."
We finally know the date of the other greatest day in Chicago Cubs history.
"Ferris would have caught his foul ball a little after 4:00 pm. That means the trio had to cram in the Sears Tower, the art museum, and a crashed parade featuring two musical numbers all before Ferris raced home at 5:55."
