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"The difference between poor and non-poor whites was so startling that we're not sure how poor whites managed to let the researchers prod them with needles without keeling over from heart failure."
10 Cracked Posts Everyone Went Nuts Over Last Week - 8/16
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Cracked Writers
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- August 16, 2015
Some weeks you're just looking to have your faith in humanity crushed like a Whoville dust speck under the stomping Wickersham Brothers' monkey feet. And then science comes along and gives you a little shot of hope-icillin.
Jack the Ripper was terrible. Amelia Dyer was the worst -- maybe ever. Those eyes ought to clue you in some.
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"Despite several run-ins with the police and a few stints in the loony bin, Dyer managed to carry out this sick practice for nearly 20 years as the police were trying to figure out where the hell all the dead river babies were coming from."
The bouts of pain that come from nicotine withdrawal is cited by 70%-90% of people as their number one reason for not quitting. What's worse is that the pain lasts for hours...except it doesn't. The bouts actually last for three-to-five minutes and *seem* as if they last for hours.
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"Quitting smoking fucking HURTS."
Despite what they want you to believe, car manufacturers can do nothing about the size of your penis.
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Better hurry and pick yourself by the bootstraps, stress-filled poor kid. Your telomeres are disintegrating at the cellular level and prematurely aging you.
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From California's recent Measles Comeback Tour, to parents getting carted off to jail, to passing SB 277 over the objections of still-babbling Jim Carrey - it's been a tough stretch for the anti-vax movement.
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"After an alarming uptick in polio cases this year, officials in Pakistan decided to declare 'war' on the disease, and 'deal with the refusal cases with iron hands.' In practice, this means that any needle-shy parents will be charged with the crime of 'endangering public security,' and immediately placed behind bars."
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"The world's population at the time the Mongols started flinging infected corpses was around 450 million. By the time the Black Death got through with them a few decades later, it was as low as 350 million."
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"It's only a matter of time before Hollywood notices they've got the rights to beloved properties that have not yet been rebooted into 'realistic' dramas entirely devoid of the fun that made them great to begin with."
Spinach *is* high in Vitamin A, but that is not as helpful when you want to become Popeye.
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But on the 'bright side,' you can then have the most expensive bonfire known to man.
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Teixobactin is the first new antibiotic in 30 years. It kills germs in a way that's unlikely to create bacterial resistance. And if you didn't know that, thank Donald Trump for taking up so much headline space.
