The 10 Cracked Posts Everyone Was Talking About: 5/3 Edition

10

5 Sad Truths You Learn Watching All The Marvel Films At Once

To bone up before Age Of Ultron, some of us here at Cracked decided to watch all ten films in a single 20+ hour half-comatose sitting. What did we learn? Well, for starters, the Marvel Universe is filled with blood-hungry, emotionless masses who place no value on human life.

Marvel

"They've made a Hugh-Hefner-style rock star out of a fucking weapons manufacturer. I get that Tony Stark acts eccentric, but that's still like the CEO of L-3 Communications being treated like Jennifer Lawrence."

9

5 Reasons The Founding Fathers Were Kind Of Dicks

Colonial unity and tolerant values of the Enlightenment are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.

8

5 Cynical Marriage Tips Every Couple Needs to Learn

As a kid, your grudges are managed by the grown-ass people around you. But once you're grown-ass yourself, and permanently sharing a bed with someone, be smart and be the first to apologize whether or not you're right.

"The next time you and your husband or wife have a fight and you think about giving up, ask yourself this: 'After all we've been through, do I ever want to share a toilet with a whole new person?' If I have my way, no other man will ever know my bathroom smells, just like the Bible ordered."

7

28 Great Movie Moments Created By Ignoring the Script

Man, that Leonard Nimoy guy really knew what he was doing, huh?

6

A 30-Second Guide to How the Gay Marriage Ruling Affects You

Here's something to digest while we await the NEW new Supreme Court gay marriage ruling.

"If You Are a Heterosexual and Do NOT Want to Enter into a Homosexual Marriage:

You will not be required to marry a gay person. This is a common misunderstanding. This decision actually does not affect you in any way."

5

5 Reasons 'Traditional Marriage' Would Shock Your Ancestors

Justice Samuel Alito said that gay marriage is "newer than cell phones and the Internet." Alito is full of sh!t.

4

The 6 Most Terrifying Theme Park Rides Ever Built

If you have to pick one thing to definitely NOT do today, this is a pretty good candidate.

3

5 Stories Everyone Assumes Are In The Bible (But Aren't)

Maximum Controversy Time - Satan, goat-horned, trident-wielding dude with red skin? Or is it that most of the Bible's references to the critter we think of as Satan are actually, probably, referring to completely different entities?

2

6 Ways The Decision To Not Have Kids Messes With Your Head

The reason it is so important to convince yourself that you are awesome for not having kids is that literally every other thing in life makes you feel bad about it.

"The fear that a decision you make now could be making you miserable in 50 years is like the physical manifestation of an Edgar Allan Poe story."

1

5 Complaints About Modern Life (That Are Statistically B.S.)

There's money in that fear.

"A fancy job in insurance or real estate? [Paid] a buck-fifty an hour. You'd take home $50 a week after taxes. So please don't talk about the good old days of 50-cent steaks when people were getting paid what would now be Tooth Fairy money."