Up Next..."The Disappearing Weapons of Mass Destruction."Cue bongo drums...
What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with a case pending in an international court. Both parties have agreed to dismiss their court cases and have their disputes settled here... in our forum...
THE PEOPLE'S COURT. ANNOUNCER:
This is the plaintiff, President George W Bush. He claims that the defendant, Saddam Hussein, had weapons of mass destruction that he hid from the world. He's suing Saddam for crimes against humanity and for being a general nuisance.
ANNOUNCER:
This is the defendant, Saddam Hussein. He says he got rid of his weapons of mass destruction a long time ago and that the Plaintiff nonetheless trespassed into his country, where he proceeded to bomb and destroy various landmarks. He's countersuing for damage to his country.
DOUG LLEWELLYN:
Welcome to the
People's Court. Today, we have the case of "The Disappearing Weapons of Mass Destruction."
Judge Wapner is now entering the courtroom. Let's watch.
WAPNER:
I know you've been sworn and I have read your complaints.
Mr. Bush, you say that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction?
BUSH:
Yes, your honor. He did. He was getting uranium and yellow cake from Niger.
SADDAM:
Your honor that is the mother of all lies! I have the memo from your Ambassador, Joe Wilson, in my hand saying that these are...
WAPNER:
Hey! I'm not speaking to you! You'll get your chance.
Mr. Bush, please continue.
BUSH:
Well, you know, that's about it. He was a bad man, and the world's better off now that he's not in power.
WAPNER:
OK. Now Saddam, you said you have a memo that refutes what the plaintiff claims?
SADDAM:
That is correct, your honor. I have this memo from Ambassador Joe Wilson. He specifically went to Niger, investigated these ridiculous claims of the infidel plaintiff about the yellow cake and found that...
WAPNER:
Do you have that memo with you? Can I see it?
SADDAM:
Of course. Here it...
WAPNER:
Just hand it to Rusty, the bailiff, please.
Rusty takes the memo and hands it to Judge Wapner, who glances over it.
WAPNER:
Mr. Bush, have you seen this memo?
BUSH:
I was briefed your honor, but I did not read...
WAPNER:
That's not what I asked. I asked,
have you seen this before?
BUSH:
Yes, your honor. It was in a pile of papers on my desk. But there were lots of things in that pile, including another memo entitled, "Bin Laden Determined to Attack in the US" and...
WAPNER:
OK. Thank you. So do you have any evidence that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction?
BUSH:
Well, he was a bad man. He wasn't in compliance with UN Resolutions for over 12 years and after September 11th, we...
WAPNER (annoyed):
Let me ask this again: Do you have any evidence that he had weapons of mass destruction?
BUSH:
Evidence? Like what?
WAPNER (fed up):
Like a receipt. Do you have a receipt showing that he bought those weapons?
BUSH:
A receipt? I am a war President. The world is safer because of the decisions...
WAPNER (annoyed):
Just answer the question, please.
WAPNER (turns to SADDAM):
Saddam, the plaintiff is also alleging that you were a nuisance, picked on your neighbors, threw loud parties and a few other things. For instance, you buried yourself in a hole in the ground but didn't have a permit to do so on the property. Is that correct?