RUDY GIULIANI
Past Faux Pas
Claiming, in all earnestness, that former New York City police chief Bernard Kerik would make a great Secretary of Homeland Security. The only problems, of course, were Kerik's ties to organized crime, his affair with OJ Simpson's publisher, his acceptance improper gifts (read: bribes), and the fact that he's a total fucking moron.
Future Faux Pas
Elaborating on his reputation as an excellent judge of character and a realist, Giuliani will claim, in all earnestness, that if a Democrat is elected president, Muslim werewolves will break into your home and peel your nipples right off of your chest like Buddha says in the Koran.
NEWT GINGRICH
Past Faux Pas
A $300,000 sanction by the House Ethics Committee in 1997 for his questionable use of tax-deductible money. Basically, this chubby effeminate stole your tax money.
Future Faux Pas
As primary season approaches, Gingrich will be caught illegally funneling campaign funds into a private account that pays for his collection of ridiculous wigs and supportive man-bras.
MITT ROMNEY
Past Faux Pas
Being born a Mormon, which both the Democrats and the born-again faithful will try to convince America was a conscious choice. (Editor's note: they're right, you know.)
Future Faux Pas
When he receives the GOP nomination for President, he will break with traditional American values when he asks both Rudy Giuliani and John McCain to join him as candidates for Vice President.
FRED THOMPSON
Past Faux Pas
The man's plain lazy. The New Republic, for example, says he has "a long-standing reputation for lacking any passion, zeal, or vision for governing." And, really, the guy just looks like he's always about to conk out (or, alternatively, like he's one-third basset hound).
Future Faux Pas
Loudly inhaling a foam microphone cover as he snores like a Looney Toon on stage at the next debate.
TOMMY THOMPSON
Past Faux Pas
Forgetting for a moment that he looks like a less attractive Walter Matthau, we're going to go with having the name of a 12-year-old boy. The guy's middle name is George-what the shit's wrong with "George Thompson?" There was also some story about how he referred to getting rich as "part of the Jewish tradition," but, honestly, everyone has more of a problem with the funny name thing.
Future Faux Pas
As the pressure of the campaign becomes unbearable, the disoriented candidate will begin referring to inanimate objects in the same childish cadence as his name, and will be overheard asking for the "mic-y microphone," his "glass-y glasses," and his "concess-y concession speech."