Ah, Oscar time! That magical night when Hollywood gets together in a big room and fellates itself excitedly over a handful of movies nobody bothered to watch in theaters.
Did a film make almost no money? Are the actors in period costume, crying lavishly in the trailers or dealing with "important" issues like abortion, retardation or botulism poisoning? Was the first time you even heard about the existence of the film when the Academy announced its nominations this year? If so, it's walking home with Oscar gold!
This Sunday, before you gather around the TV for three and a half hours of stultifying boredom, embarrassing dance numbers and actors steepling their fingers in concentration while the nominees are being named off, take a minute to read our predictions. It's like watching the actual Oscars, but without having to endure things like Billy Crystal or Ellen Degeneres. You're welcome.
Ryan Gosling,
Half Nelson |
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Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond |
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Peter O'Toole, Venus |
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Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness |
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Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland |
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...
Peter O'Toole will most likely be dead soon, and the Academy knows this. The last time they tried to honor the almost-dead actor was in 2003, with the presentation of a lame duck "Lifetime Achievement" Oscar, which backfired considerably. O'Toole accepted the award by telling the Academy, in a nutshell, to go fuck themselves for not bothering to award him for a specific performance once in his entire career. Since then, the Academy's been waiting for O'Toole to act in pretty much anything at all, just so they could fall over themselves in a rush to give him a trophy for it.
What we're trying to say here is that Peter O'Toole could have spent the intirety of Venus's running time in a giant latex vagina costume, saying things like "Toot toot! Dicks go in here!" There's no way he's not walking home with a win Sunday.
Penelope Cruz, Volver |
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Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal |
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Helen Mirren, The Queen |
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Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada |
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Kate Winslet, Little Children |
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AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...
A tie! Kate Winslet and Penelope Cruz's wet, round, bouncy breasts win for their towering performances in Sexy Breast-Time Sex, a triple-X time travel drama.
Seriously, why can't I find any of these people in the phone book? This script is actually burning my hands a little, it's so goddamn hot.
Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine |
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Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children |
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Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond |
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Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls |
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Mark Wahlberg, The Departed |
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...
Mark Wahlberg's car in The Departed, a 1992 Buick Roadmaster. Since we never actually see Wahlberg drive anywhere in the film, the Roadmaster technically has even less screen time than he did, edging out a slim win over the ex-rap star.
Just because the Roadmaster never appears in The Departed, however, don't for a second underestimate how thoroughly its performance winds through the picture. In any scene with Wahlberg in it, for instance, the viewer must ask themselves: how did he get there? How will he leave after the scene is over? Obviously, in the Roadmaster. Much like New York City is talked of as a "character" in film reviews by snooty Salon.com writers, so too can we make the claim that without the 1992 Buick Roadmaster, Wahlberg and whoever he was driving wouldn't have appeared in any scenes at all.
Adriana Barraza, Babel |
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Cate Blanchett, Notes On A Scandal |
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Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine |
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Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls |
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Rinko Kikuchi, Babel |
AND
THE OSCAR GOES TO...
Oscar voters get completely moist anytime you mention Cate Blanchett. “So, I saw Cate Blanchett at the grocery store.” “Oh god, was it powerful and moving?” “I don’t know, she was just picking up some trash bags.” “I bet it was MAGICAL.”
Add the fact that the movie features Cate beating the living hell out of fellow Oscar spank material Dame Judi, and you've got yourself a sure thing. Look closely after her win and you’ll see Blanchett’s Oscar statue sporting a little gold hard-on for how dramatically she's holding it.
Babel |
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The Departed |
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Letters From Iwo Jima |
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Little Miss Sunshine |
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The Queen |
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...
In a surprise upset victory, the not-even-nominated, thoroughly awful Date Movie secures the win through a write-in campaign, prompting director Aaron Seltzer to launch into a teary-eyed acceptance speech thanking Jesus Christ for guiding his hand in its making. Justin Timberlake appears soon after to announce a new Oscar-hosted reality TV series that will force nominees to live in the same house for a month and allow viewers to pick next year's Oscar winners simply by paying money for the privelege.
Sub-competent viewers across America throw their jerky into the air with joy, ripping off their bibs and hugging one another with the knowledge that the Academy is willing to pander to them for better ratings. Everybody else, horrified and confused at this idiotic turn of events, finally find something better to do with their Sunday nights. Ellen Degeneres says something harmless and not very funny, smiles like she invented hugs, big orchestral swell, and credits.