20 Awesomely Dumb Things About Tyler Perry's Netflix Movie

20

The Awkward Setup

On the way to work, our hero, Jasmine Bryant, hears two morning DJs talking about a woman who killed her husband. One nitpicks the word "allegedly," because she clearly did it. We know this because the DJ says "she clearly did it." Remember this, because it won't be relevant until much later in the film, and therefore much later in this article. Try not to lose it among the other confusing details.

19

Tyler Perry's Unavoidably Terrible Wig

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Quicker than we can realize our hero is a defense attorney, the movie is derailed with all the grace of a nut punch at a funeral. What the hell happened to Tyler Perry's head? For no good reason, he's wearing a sad wig from the clearance bin of a Spirit Halloween, a monstrosity that screams, "Hello, I'm made of stray cats, none of whom died a good death." But why? WHY?

18

The Plot Stumbles As Soon As It Starts

OK, so Jasmine is a public defender, and she does not want to defend this lady Grace (get it?), who killed her husband for reasons. Perry, her boss, says it's an easy case because she's so clearly guilty. There is a "mountain" of evidence, and she confessed. Just plead it out, he says, because that's Jasmine's specialty. Everyone in the office is jealous that she got the case. Why does she not want it? Like most of the mysteries in this film, what's supposed to be intrigue is in fact nothing but people having unexplained feelings and motivations.

17

This Movie Has No Idea How The Law Works

The radio again confirms for us that "everyone" in town is talking about this case, and they're all so convinced Grace is guilty that a trial seems like a waste of time. Now, seeing as she hasn't even met a lawyer yet, it seems like maybe the trial is a ways off, and maybe this lady was only just arrested. I mean, isn't that how the law works? STOP ASKING QUESTIONS, WIG-HATER!

Also, the opening credits haven't even finished, and it's already painfully obvious that this woman didn't kill her husband. What, are we supposed to expect that this will end with the movie saying, "Well, guess all those people were right. Now enjoy these four seconds of credits before Netflix auto-plays Season 1 of The Stranger."

16

The Main Character Is Terrible At Her Job

Jasmine goes to visit Grace in lockup, walking through like a ham sandwich trying to sneak past my dog. She's so nervous that it implies she's ... never been to a jail before? Even though she's a criminal defense lawyer? Maybe all her previous work has been in, oh I don't know, wig racketeering. We are six minutes into the movie.

15

Half The Main Characters Are in Bad Wigs

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Oh man, Grace's wig is even worse than Perry's. It looks like it's actively being scared off actress Crystal Fox's head. And Fox knew this, as she and Perry had huge fights about it during filming. So that's a bummer. You didn't deserve this in the slightest, Crystal.

14

The Script Is All Over The Place

Jasmine, her husband, and her fellow lawyers get together for drinks. One of the lawyers decides there's actually plenty to use to defend Grace. After all, she baked cookies and taught Sunday School. For all you non-legalese-speaking simpletons, that spells reasonable doubt. The woman confessed to murder and wants to plead guilty, their boss has ordered them to plead guilty, and the DJ we've heard twice already said she did it, but this guy wants to mount a cookie-based defense? Every page of this script is unaware of the page that came before it.

13

What Does The Main Character Even Want?

Jasmine confesses that she thought being a public defender would be better, but it turns out all of her clients are criminals, and that makes her sad. She no longer wants to be a lawyer. What ... what did she think this job would entail?

12

Oh, And Mrs. Huxtable Is Here

Holy shit, it's Clair Huxtable! Phylicia Rashad plays Grace's lifelong friend and character witness, Sarah. She pours Jasmine some coffee from a kettle that is pristine white and has clearly never been used before, because this movie will continually and aggressively remind you of its artifice.

11

It Foreshadows In The Most Obvious Way Possible

Sarah has a creepy old lady lurking in her house, complete with ominous music playing in the background. Now, I don't wanna shit on how you make movies, but there's foreshadowing, and then there's "Here's something to let you know Sarah is actually evil. This will be played as a shocking twist later."

10

I Wasn't Kidding About The Wig Thing

Jasmine finally asks Grace what happened, which seems like a lawyer thing to do. And so in a flashback we meet the murder victim, Shannon, who's brandishing a painted Bart Simpson wig.

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Of all the wigs in this movie, this is clearly the best one. It's a full-on fade that's about 6 inches tall. Glorious. The Netflix thumbnail for this movie should just be that wig.

9

The Ghost Food Diner

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8

Oh, And Then This Happens

Straight up, Grace is showering in that wig.

7

The Goddamn Fireflies

Shannon takes Grace to a flowery meadow full of fireflies to propose. OK, but hold up. He blindfolds her and walks her in and then, as she opens her eyes, the fireflies appear. Are these glowy-ass little bastards in cahoots with this man? Can they be brought in for questioning?

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6

These Wigs Will Be The Death Of Me

I need you to put this movie on and skip to 48:09. Look at Grace's hair. Now wait until 48:25. In those 16 seconds, someone took that woman's wig out behind the woodshed and beat it within an inch of its life before putting it back on her head.

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5

The "Murder"

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4

The "Mountain" Of Evidence Is Very Small

It is now 1 hour and 11 minutes into this film, and we learn a somewhat useful tidbit: There is no dead body. Grace left the house, then Sarah went in but said she found no corpse. The lawyer is just now learning this. Why would anyone involved, including the accused, just assume he died? And how the hell was the DA talking the death penalty in this case? That's not how the law works! That's not how anything works!

3

Reasonable Doubt

Jasmine tells Grace that she now believes there's enough wiggle room for her to be acquitted. The lack of a goddamn body seems to back this up. So did Grace just go to the police and confess to a murder, and they took it on faith because they found some blood in her house? Is that blood the supposed overwhelming evidence everyone keeps talking about? Because it's literally the only evidence we learn of in the entire film.

2

The Single Dumbest Trial In Film History

The trial sequence in this movie features the shittiest cinematic lawyering you will ever see. Jasmine's opening salvo to the jury? "Just look at her!" That's literally her defense. "Look at her. C'mon. C'moooooon! SHE BAKES COOKIES!" Jasmine further defends Grace by asserting that she loved her husband and didn't cause his disappearance. The only thing she knows for a fact right now is that Grace did not love her husband and did absolutely bash his goddamn head in, but whatever.

Sarah then gets called to the stand as a character witness, even though Jasmine knows that Grace called her and told her she murdered her husband. Her strategy? Welp, the prosecution doesn't know that. The prosecution promptly introduces phone records about Grace calling her the night of the murder. *sad trombone noise* Jasmine objects to the phone records because they were not in discovery. Ha, good lawyering! The prosecution counters with "Yeah, they were." She just never looked. This is a dumbass lasagna, full of idiot noodles layered with shredded dipshit cheese and chunky bumblefuck sauce.

Sarah says on the stand that Grace called her and confessed to killing Shannon. Super lawyer Jasmine has no further questions. Then she rests her case with no rebuttal or anything. She said earlier that she was tired of being a defense attorney, so is this her plan to get in good with the DA? Showing how amazing she is at losing a trial? In an even more baffling twist, Perry calls her out for bad lawyering. But he wrote this movie. Was all this him setting up a dunk to make his own character look wise?

1

The Twist!

Tyler Perry Shyamalan's the hell out of the end of this movie. Are you ready? Not only is Shannon NOT dead from having his skull turned into chowder by a baseball bat, but that son of a bitch is a literal son of a bitch. His mom is ... Sarah! And they're both evil! They con women out of their money! They have a whole bunch of old ladies chained up in their basement!

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