28 Cosmic Horrors Disguised As ‘Toys’

When our kids ask what our childhood was like, we’ll say, “It was so hard that even playtime was out to kill us. But hey, recalls on the toys we survived helped your generation play a whole lot safer. You’re welcome. Now take a trip with us through this virtual toy museum, and get a better idea of why our skin looks the way it does. It was the uranium, son. Yes, uranium — in a kid’s toy.”

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THE MISSILES LAUNCHED BY THIS BATTLESTAR GALACTICA TOY ACTUALLY PROVED DEADLY TO KIDS. The launcher caused ripped intestines, eye injuries, and one death when a missile lodged in a child's esophagus. They were recalled in 1979. SCARAB CRACKED.COM http://resources.lawinfo.com/personal-injury/products-liability/

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THE PUNISHER SHAPE- SHIFTER IS so GLAD TO SEE YOU. In the interest of full disclosure, we should note that he's pictured mid-transformation, at left. He's actually meant to shoot darts out of his ass. CRACKED.COM http//www.coleebo-actionfigues com/dash/universe/catalog_item/AF-382048/

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26

THIS IS THE HARRY POTTER NIMBUS 2000 VIBRATING BROOM. Sadly, they're no longer sold. It's a dick- shaped toy that vibrates when children stick it between their legs. (actual photo from Amazon) Actual Amazon review: When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibrating). My oldest daughter (17) really

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25

CRACKED.COM A BLACK PERSON AS A MONKEY? SOMEBODY SAID. ADORABLE! NO ONE WILL EVER OBJECT. A sock monkey representing Barack Obama was released by a Utah-based company during the '08 presidential race. Its makers claimed they never intended to upset anyone with their cute and cuddly monkey, somehow unaware that this is an old and tired racist caricature.

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24

1. REMOVE THE PLUG FROM BATMAN'S BUTT. 2. FILL WITH WATER. 3. PUMP HIS TRIGGER. 4. SQUIRT YOUR FRIENDS! GRAGKED.COM http://herocomplex latimes com/uncategorized/ top-10-vintage-batman-toys-far-your-inner-boy-wonder/

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23

THIS CANDY TREAT LETS YOU FRENCH-KISS JAR JAR BINKS. doo MAIL I CANDY I Binks JVI ARE - COMM I CHRIS I PISODE WARS STAR - We're assuming it tastes like thinly-veiled racism. CRACKED.COM

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22

CRACKED Likeness rights caused issues with a 1985 line of Ghostbusters action figures designed in Japan, which is probably for the best, as their facial designs were the stuff of nightmares.

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21

CRACKED ATI A series of DC figures known as Anti-Heroes NNF was pitched with Mad Max-esque and robotic versions of Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman, all of whom looked like they belonged in a Berlin sex dungeon. Superman had a tattoo. BUT HOW?

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20

CRACKED CAR STOP STOP KC GA KM THE CAR PL The 1978 horror movie The Car - not at the top of James Brolin's resume by any stretch - spawned a game that never made it, in which players competed not to get run over by Satan.

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19

SIXFINGER SIXFINGE THE MOST AMAZING TOY EVER IT LOOKS LIKE A FINGER BUT IT DOES ALL THIS: CRACKED.COM 1.SHOOTS CAP BOMB GOS 4 1 - f - - 3 - I I Erm - - - - to - - It looks like a finger? Sure, if fingers had testicles.

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18

SINKING OF THE TITANIC GAME The sinking of the TITANIC game TITANIC CRACKED.COM IDEAL The game you play as the ship goes down... then face the perli of the open sea! ADES MEMBER REQUIRED INEPLATERS The sounds of people drowning are something that I can not describe to you ... it's the most dreadful sound. -Eva Hart, Titanic survivor

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17

ATOMIC ENERGY LAB GILBERT muslear physics - ... ATOMIC ENERGY LAB PERFORME SMIT 150 - بيد - - - - - - . - - - --- - - - - - - - - - - available - - - - Evecting! Safe! - GILBERT WALL DE SCIENCE .... CRACKED.COM SILBERT CLOUD CHAMPER Did the Atomic Energy Lab come with actual uranium? Why, yes. Yes, it did.

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16

BUTCHER PLAYSET GRACKED.COM The trouble started when Jeffrey asked if we could pretend to disembowl a hog.

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15

CHEST WIG THE FOR THAT MACHO SELF ADHESIVE LOOK! CHEST WIG CRACKED.COM MADE IN ENGLAND Stick that thatch anywhere you want to jumpstart puberty.

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14

DENNIS THE MENACE DENTIST KIT Ipana Dennis the Menace CRACKED.COM Hypodermic needle? Check. Forceps? Check. Nightmares? Check.

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13

KRIMSON TERROR the EDIDUERG fine CRACKED.COM KRIMSON TORROR PLANNIC MONSTER CONSTRUCTION KIT The make-your-own monster with the three-handed crotch.

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12

PINKY LEE MEDICINE CHEST BAND-10 - - IVORY. Free Pinky Lee TOY medicine THE GOOD HABIT TOY Learn Pinky Lee's secret shames, then refill all the good prescriptions.

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11

IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE ROBS A 7-ELEVEN WITH MEGATRON CRACKED.COM

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10

In 1992 we saw our fun loving pal Michelangelo turn into an angry mexican stereotype. In an effort to pack even more racism into the Wacky Wild West line, Playmates included Chief Leo. CRACKED.COM

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PUPPY SURPRISE teaching the wonders of dog whelping! 'How many puppies are there inside? There could be 3! Or 4! Or 5!?' GRACKED.COM

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28 Cosmic Horrors Disguised As ‘Toys’

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CRACKED.COM $10 RÉBATE Rollerblade Barbie had skates that light up... Barbie Rollerblade Skates flicker'a Bash! Because they were basically lighters.

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6

Collected Olé! Fun: Reinforcing Ethnic Stereotypes SPANISH While Glamorizing Barbie Animal Cruelty. 20 MINI DONOR FOR - CRACKED COM esmain

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HI KIDS! WE'RE VINCE AND LARRY, THE CRASH DUMMIES. - LIBRY COME WITH US AS WE TEACH YOU ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF SAFETY BELTS, AND... --DEAR GOD! I'VE KILLED THIS CAT AND DOG! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?! TITU CRACKED.COM

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4

GRACKED.COM - This is the new version CROCODIS of SAMPLE - DAMING DENTISTRY WHAT DID IT Look LIKE BEFORE? I feed on the Thumbs of Children

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3

CRACKED.COM FORAGES 5 & OVER BOGLINS OUTRAGEOUS CREATURES THAT COME ALIVE IN YOUR HANDS! Flesh-like texture Eyes that move Looks like aborted troll fetus ONLY! DON'T POKE WARE: GERSTHROUGH BARS! 20 years of nightmares NDLE THROUGH BOTTO MATTEL DWORK

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CRACKED BURGER KING'S DEADLY POKEBALLS. BIG KiDS DIC M Charltard To promote 1999's Pokemon: The First Movie, every kids' meal came with a Pokemon figurine in its own Pokeball. The detachable pieces formed airtight seals around children's noses and mouths, and actually killed two small children.

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1

Skydancers were recalled in 2000. 8.9 million were recalled after about 150 reports of injuries, from eye injuries to facial lacerations to a broken rib. CRACKED.COM

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