If you’re reading this list, it’s because you’ve found yourself vastly under-equipped for a verbal melee, and you’re looking for ammo. Your instincts are correct: Do not try to come up with something yourself. Instead, select one of these tried and true Hollywood burns…
“Where’d you get those clothes, the toilet store?”
“Yeah, I got a question. Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”
“You’re somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you’re really thirsty.”
“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.”
“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape?”
“I wouldn’t live with you if the world were flooded with piss and you lived in a tree.”
“I don’t give a tuppenny fuck about your moral conundrum, you meat-headed shit sack.”
What I don’t know is how you got assigned here. Guess we must just have ourselves an asshole shortage, huh?”
“I’ll explain, and I’ll use small words so that you’ll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.”
Perry: Look up “idiot” in the dictionary. You know what you’ll find?
Harry: A picture of me?
Perry: No! The definition of the word “idiot,” which you fucking are.
“You’re tacky, and I hate you.”
“Why, you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder.”
“You are a sad strange little man, and you have my pity.”
“I’ll tell you what. The day I need a friend like you, I’ll just have myself a little squat and shit one out.”
“Your face looks like Robin Williams’ knuckles.”