'Zillow Gone Wild' Has The Schadenfreude-Rich Real Estate Porn We Need Right Now

Reader, if you're anything like me, the relentless headlines of the past week have left you an exhausted, bitter shell of the person you were on January 1st, 2021, a Twittered-out nihilist who winces at the opening tones of the BBC's melodramatic breaking news notifications. 

After seven days (more like seven years) of reading about the siege on our nation's Capitol, staring at Buffalo Man's annoying, screaming mug, and watching Twitter play whack-a-mole with Donald Trump as he attempts to subvert his ban from the social media platform, you're exhausted, looking to relax and unwind with a nice bubble bath, a glass of wine, and some solid real estate porn. But amid the stress of a global pandemic, a fraught election, and every other crisis du jour we've faced over the past 365 days, it seems you've tapped your trusty luxury reserves -- Corcoran's condos are cold, Sotheby's mansions have grown stale, and Christy's chalets seem, well kinda crappy. Times like these call for not only fantasizing of an alternate reality where you've spent your quarantine baking sourdough in a gourmet kitchen and getting a six-pack in your home gym, but also for some serious schadenfreude, making fun of rich people's apparent lack of taste. 

Enter "Zillow Gone Wild," the Instagram account dedicated to sharing the real estate listing site's absolute worst offerings for none other than sheer, snarky entertainment in these trying times. Launching last December with an inaugural post depicting a ghost in the front window of a listed home, the page has grown to an audience of more than 500,000 followers, all excited to feast their eyes upon the world's most hideous -- and sometimes inexplicably expensive -- properties. 

From the Bay Area's infamous Flinstone House ...

... to a series of mushroom homes...

... and an eerily-painted doomsday bunker ...

...These homes are simply horrifying, proving that money does not, in fact, buy taste. Yet just like most things in life, these properties are more than their curb appeal, with interiors that appeal to, erm, hyper-specific buyers, including retired swingers  ...

... Posiden himself ...

... Floridian minimalists, or well, Kanye West on that post-divorce budget ... 

... Elmer Fudd after a particularly successful hunting season ... 

... Joe Exotic ...

... priests looking to amp their socially distant Sunday live streams ...

... and ex-cons missing the comforts of ... prison? 

But the fascinating horrors of these bizarre Zillow listings, like many elements of our 21st-century life, have expanded into the medium of video, namely, the "walkthrough tour" of 101 E Pocahontas Ln in Kansas City, MO. Upon first glance, this listing appears to be your run-of-the-mill two-bedroom, one bathroom Missouri home, perfect for, well, Chiefs fans, and anyone who has for some reason decided to move to Missouri. Upon a closer look at the property's digital listing, things aren't exactly they appear -- the video section, typically reserved for virtual tours highlighting a home's unique amenities, has none other than a three minute and five second long, hyper-autotuned parody of Jason Aldean's "Got What I Got," begging viewers to please buy the damn property.  

I guess that's one way for real estate agents to cope with an American Beauty-esque existential crisis. 

So readers, happy virtual travels. May you find the once bygone scraps of your humanity as you laugh at the wealthy's hideous home decor choices. 

For more internet nonsense, follow Carly on Instagram @HuntressThompson_ and on Twitter @TennesAnyone.