This piece was written by the Cracked Shop to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Between the deadly pandemic still ripping through the country and summer wildfires plunging the air quality into the dank, hacky toilet, your fitness is probably in serious jeopardy. You can't work out inside, and you can't work out outside. The one place that's still safe is your home, so we've rounded up some top-tier workout gear to help you get the most out of your workouts when you can't get to the gym or even the playground. (Shut up. Those monkey bars are very effective.) Plus, you can take an extra 20% off with code VIPSALE20 (expires 9/20) for Cracked's 3-Day VIP Annual Sale.
Sale Price: $53.99
Have specific fitness goals? This high-tech device will help you reach them. It will track your weight, BMI, muscle mass, and much more using bioimpedance technology. What is that? No idea! But it sounds scientific!
Sale Price: $53.99
No matter what any washed-up action star tells you, you don't need to take out a second mortgage for a pricey home gym to get ripped at home. The EDGE Suspension Trainer hooks up to any anchored area, allowing you to use your own body weight to get a comprehensive, full-body workout. It's like a really big rubber band that'll make you hot.
Sale Price: $64.99
This at-home workout bundle will bring you back to elementary school gym class. It includes three loop resistance bands for a killer lower-body workout, an upper-body exercise and stretching band, a pool-noodley tube for even more upper-body resistance, and two sliding core exercise discs. Remember those little little square scooters that constantly mangled your fingers? They're just like those, minus the ER bills. All it's missing is that huge parachute.
Sale Price: $64.99
Thought you couldn't improve your jawline? Think again. Jawzrsize(R) might look a bit dirty, but you'll be having the last laugh when Bruce Campbell fans are constantly hounding you for autographs.
Sale Price: $84.95
When push-ups and squats start getting too easy for your impeccably lean body, this resistance band system will give you the extra force you need to fight the siren song of the weight room, maybe physically, if it comes down to it. We don't know what kind of supernatural powers your local gym possesses.
Sale Price: $109.99
If you're just committed to gadgetry, you can't go wrong with the Core46. This revolutionary core workout machine tones, tightens, and strengthens all 46 muscles in your core, abs, lats, arms, lower back, and spine at once. It's definitely more efficient than all the various ways you can put things down and pick them up.
Sale Price: $127.95
Once you've finished beating up your muscles, vibrate them back into acquiescence with this high-powered, adjustable speed percussion massager. It's like having your own big, beefy masseur without any of the awkwardness and potential health hazards of being within touching distance of another human.
Sale Price: $136.99
ABXCORE is a unique ab machine that will provide targeted workouts to your entire core. Plus, it comes with a virtual trainer to help you get the most out of the machine.
Sale Price: $139.99
With eight massage heads, this handheld massage gun will give you a specialized massage treatment anywhere you need it.
Sale Price: $1,100
If nothing but the most versatile home workout equipment will appease you, this grand daddy of home gym trainers offers more than 60 possible handle positions, Smart Resistance(R) that automatically gives you just the right level of pushback, and an adjustable platform for infinite numbers of exercises while taking up hardly any space in your home. Get it now for almost half off so you can work half your butt off.