5 Stories That Prove Having A Hollywood Body Is A Nightmare

5

Rob McElhenney Has Put His Body Through Hell Twice For Always Sunny

Rob McElhenney put on 50 pounds for the seventh season of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia solely on the basis of "It would be funny." And if you can look beyond the health concerns of a man shoving 5,000 calories into his mouth daily to give himself a Santabod, it was. The month after the season wrapped, he dropped 23 pounds simply by not eating as much (click through to this interview if, for some reason, you want to learn about how all this affected his penis). Then, when the 13th season rolled around, it was time to innovate again, so McElhenney took Mac in the other direction and got jacked instead.

All that Fight Milk is paying off.

To accomplish his transition from cheese carving to marble statue, McElhenney says he cut all carbs, sugar, and alcohol out of his diet, ran three miles a day, lifted weights six days a week, and hired a personal trainer to guide him through the whole process. So all you need is the time, money, and other resources necessary to accomplish all that, and you too can have a bodybuilder look for your largely nonphysical job playing a character on a comedy about chronically unhealthy alcoholic substance abusers.

4

The Rock Eats 821 Pounds Of Fish A Year

Dwayne "The Fast & Furious Guy Who Used To Wrestle" Johnson's box office appeal does not come from subtle performances in nuanced family dramas. He makes a very good living convincing people to pay to see him punch helicopters apart. And to do that, he needs to maintain a physique normally acquired by pushing all a video game's character creation sliders to their extremes.

As of 2015, Dwayne "Nine-Time Slammy Award Winner" Johnson was eating seven meals a day that added up to over 5,000 calories (and also spending massive amounts of time exercising, lest he end up looking like Season 7 Mac). A typical day's consumption included a dozen eggs, two potatoes, rice, vegetables, chicken, steak, and 2.3 pounds of cod. FiveThirtyEight estimated that he was eating $1,400 worth of cod a year, and we estimate that he was desperately looking for ways to freshen up the experience, be it through cod and cheese, codshakes, or intravenous cod injections.

You don't get that "latex sack full of mangoes" look from Taco Bell.

Of course, Dwayne "Scourge of the Animals" Johnson also has an army of personal assistants to handle shopping, food prep, and literally any other task that could keep him from maintaining and employing his moneymaking physique. He's not staying up into the wee hours on Sunday night desperately trying to prepare the week's 49 meals before he's due on the set of Dwayne Johnson Vehicle 17-B: This Time He Fights A Tornado. The immense fame and fortune probably help dull the blow of having junk food removed from your diet, but still, take a moment to appreciate that the man must be so very, very sick of eggs and fish.

3

Hugh Jackman Got The Wolverine Look By Cutting Water

Hugh Jackman played Wolverine for 17 years, and if the character had one consistent trait throughout various timelines, it was that he was absolutely jacked. Despite an in-universe diet consisting primarily of beer, whiskey, and any bullets he accidentally swallows, Wolverine perpetually looks like he could go win a bodybuilding competition whenever he gets done stabbing people. And for Logan, Jackman attained that look by cutting water.

Cutting water is like trying to be a ripped camel. You chug around three gallons of water a day in preparation, and then once you're good and liquided up, you cut all fluids from your diet for 36 hours. Oh, sure, Jackson also maintained excellent health before embarking on a three-month diet and exercise regimen that would destroy us, but the water cut is a final step that sheds a few more pounds and really makes your muscles pop (through your dried-out, semi-mummified flesh).

20th Century FoxSure, it's difficult and dangerous, but it's all worth it to get that perfect "Left to bake on asphalt" look.

2

Anne Hathaway's Catwoman Was A Dance-Class-Attending Vegetarian

Anne Hathaway was given the rare honor of a non-terrible Catwoman role, but in return, she had to pay the terrible price of torturing her body and soul until she fit into a wildly impractical leather fetish suit. Because we expect many of our female action heroes to kick ass while also looking like they could win a beauty pageant, Hathaway was stuck with 1,500-1,800 calories a day (the average woman takes in 2,000).

Warner Bros. PicturesThough it seems like being head-turning might not be the best trait for a stealthy jewel thief.

1

Henry Cavill's Superman Workout Will Kill Your Dream Of Being A Superhero

Henry Cavill's earliest roles were on the extremely British Inspector Lynley Mysteries, Midsomer Murders, and Goodbye, Mr. Chips, which didn't require any significant physicality from him, beyond being able to execute an absolutely withering sneer when served subpar crumpets. But then he started picking up roles that required increasing swoleness, until he was gifted with the swolest role of all: Superman.

According to what we can only assume are the unbiased Cavill scholars of henrycavill.org, playing America's greatest hero required sacrifice beyond learning how to sound far less sophisticated. There was once again a daily diet of up to 5,000 calories, although Cavill at least had some variety, thanks to pancakes, protein shakes, chicken and turkey, tuna, oatmeal, and a variety of vegetables, which we're starting to suspect are better for you than the chips and dip we eat because they have "onion" in the name.

Warner Bros. PicturesHe must get the Garden Salsa chips, too. Dude is jacked.